Afterthought: One thing I think this comes down to is just what the author's writing. It's not that I don't think JKR has any kindness in her as a person, but given the emotions she's focusing on in these books, there's just very little of it. There's too much revenge on mean people at school or showing people who think they're so great and punishing the wicked and fixing injustice. That's what I think is considered attractive in the world, not compassion. What Ursula LeGuin called "ethically mean-spirited." Most people in the books are ethically mean-spirited, including Lily. She's not particularly mean-spirited, but as one of the shining stars she shares their outlook.