Ah! That makes total sense! I mean, I can completely see why that would mess you up, trying to essentially write and slash at the same time. It's like reenka said above, I think, it's like trying to take your shirt off *and* be naked at the same time, or comment on the fic as you're writing it. I can easily see the whole thing getting mushy--not just in your head as you're writing but also on the page--if you're trying to do both. I tend to think that even the best slash is going to come from something where the author just wrote what the characters would do without any winks at the audience. In fact it seems like that hurt some TV shows that did that if it got to be too much of a joke. Xena, I seem to remember, got just too jokey about the femmeslash sometimes until the world of the show broke down and you aware of the commentary.

That's probably why I tend to be really nervous about any winks to the audience in TV shows (TV shows seem to have the most problem with this). It's just too easy to destroy the fictional world that way.